i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
