the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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