my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
