I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
