youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
