Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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