last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
