Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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