Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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