I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
