Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
