Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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