i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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