you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
