I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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