Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
