I just made out with a guy for $7.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
