A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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