What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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