My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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