Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
