we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
