At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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