My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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