I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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