I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
