I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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