I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
