I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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