I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
