Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
