i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Found your dick twin last night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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