Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
