So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
