so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
