Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
