well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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