I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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