Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
from now on my penis is your penis
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
