im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
