did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
