What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
