There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
