never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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