For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There's always time for handjobs
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
