Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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