Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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