I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
