I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
