between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
my poor anus
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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