saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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