He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
