I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
