Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
