I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
