Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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