Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
