he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
