While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
