Tell her she can't have a vagina
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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