get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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