There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
