Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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