tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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