that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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