he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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