I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
