No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize